According to, my uterus is now roughly the size of a basketball. I’ve never been good at sports – maybe that’s why all of a sudden I feel so miserable?

Let me first say the obligatory spiel – yes, of course, it will all be worth it in the end, I’m still super-excited about the baby herself, and there are definitely good parts, like feeling her move, and when D lays his head on my belly and talks to her.

But geez, lately I’ve been understanding the phrase “feeling like a beached whale” more and more. I can’t get comfortable in bed, so I turn over approximately 175 times per night, and each time is a massive undertaking. I start out on my right side, snuggling Mount Squishy, the enormous blue body pillow taking up precious real estate between me and D. Then I wake up with my shoulder hurting, or my hip, or my elbow, and decide to flip over. I push myself up with my arms, make a pained grunt like a muddy sow, and somehow manage to flop earth-shakingly onto my back.

In the old days, I could roll from one side to the other in one motion, but now I have to take a break in the middle and rest on my back. Sometimes, I give up and fall asleep there for a while, even though back-sleeping is not recommended for pregnant folks.

I can’t really get comfortable on my back because I know it makes my lower back/hip region hurt worse in the morning, it makes me snore more, and I worry it will cut off the blood flow to the baby or something, so a few minutes later, comes another grunty episode, wherein I flop to the other side, tidal-wave style.

And every time, I look at the clock and think, “Geez, isn’t it time to wake up yet? I can’t take this much longer!” I am a person who values – nay! worships! – my sleep, and now I’m hoping it’s morning? This is a new kind of misery. (And, as you can imagine, D isn’t exactly sleeping like a dream during all this, either.)

Then when it finally is time to get up, I have to roll out of bed in an undignified fashion, and my first several steps are agonizing in the lower back/hip region, so I walk exactly like my mother after a long car ride. Same thing happens after I’ve been sitting for a while, or lying on the couch in an awkward position, and awkward positions are the only ones I seem to be able to find anymore.

Sometimes, D even has to help me off the couch. Sometimes, bending over feels like squishing my insides. Yesterday, I almost had a heart attack trying to put on a pair of tights.

And what I can hardly believe about all this is that I am only just now entering the third trimester. I have an entire 13 weeks to go, and everything is only going to get worse. If my belly keeps up this rate of growth, I’m going to be four inches bigger in the waist by then. FOUR INCHES. My baby is going to weigh roughly SIX MORE POUNDS.

As it is, I can’t make it through a normal trip to the grocery store without being near collapsing with back pain by the end, and my baby only weighs a little over 2 pounds! Meanwhile, freakin’ keeps sending me e-mails about pregnancy exercises and how some unidentified study indicates my baby is going to be underdeveloped and unintelligent if I don’t exercise, and labor will be worse, and basically I’m a terrible person if I don’t run a marathon three times a week. If I had a heated indoor swimming pool, I’d do that, but oh wait – I’m not a multi-millionaire. And there’s no way I’m dragging my gigantic self to town to swim in front of strangers.

Also, while I’m on a roll, I’m currently freaking out about my baby shower because my aunts and sisters-in-law are throwing it, yet my Mom seems to be the one running the show, and she keeps asking me questions about what I want, and I keep saying, “I don’t care – it doesn’t have to be complicated. Just do what you want.” And yet she keeps. on. asking. And my sisters-in-law want to help, but I don’t know what to tell them to do, and I just don’t want to be involved at all, frankly. I want to show up the day of, smile and eat my slice of cake, and open gifts and smile some more, and later write thank you notes.

Today, after dealing with the guest list with my mom and sister-in-law on the phone, I made D mute the TV for a few minutes because my head was just so full of stress and noise that I couldn’t stand one more second of Weather Channel Cantore-Stories-When-Good-Storms-Go-Bad-type blathering, and I covered my face with a pillow because the light from the window was piercing straight through my eyeballs to the back of my head.

Then I took a nap, which helped a little. And I ate a piece of cake, which also helped.

Now it’s dinner time, and I just want a Taco Casa extra hot bean burrito with extra cheese, like I’ve consistently craved every day for the last month, but I don’t want to get dressed and drive all the way to town to get one, and I don’t even have any of the little frozen burritos I make do with most of the time. RArrraggghaharhrrrr

Sorry. I think I need to take a chill pill. Oh wait, that’s not allowed either, along with deli meat and my precious tuna. I did my household chore for the day – did a few of them, even got rid of a whole plastic bin’s worth of old clothes – but the accompanying zen feeling has already dissipated. (You may have noticed?)

What I want to know is how am I supposed to last THIRTEEN more weeks like this? I keep telling myself this has just been a bad few days. The real problem is probably, once again, just how miserably bored I am, because that makes everything seem much more intolerable. The 26th week was the slowest yet, I swear. I need something to take my mind off how much longer I can expect to be this, or more, uncomfortable. I thought about learning to make a quilt, but then there was too much equipment involved and I gave up.

Fortunately, there are a few things to look forward to in the immediate future. I’m getting a haircut Wednesday; and I’m going to the chiropractor Thursday, which I hope will ease my back ailments; and our new Tempur-Pedic mattress will be arriving any day now, which I hope will help with the sleep problems; and I’m going to see Broadway Across America’s Wizard of Oz on Saturday; and my sister should be moving home next week if the *#!+&@#$(#!* closing on her house doesn’t get pushed back for the third (or is it fourth?) time.

So for now I guess I’ll go warm up some soup, and try not to feel too sorry for myself when I have to old-lady-hobble into the kitchen to do it.

P.S. Don’t feel too sorry for D – between my whining and self-pity, I did squeeze in time to give him a pedicure.

posted by K | filed under Grumpy Bear, Pregnancy | 6 Comments


6 Responses to “Complaint Department”

  1. leah on March 8th, 2010 8:32 pm

    dude, i feel you. i’m 31 1/2 weeks with baby #3 and the belly only gets BIGGER with each one. argh. hang in there. it may seem like 13 weeks is a lifetime to wait, but speaking from experience, the baby will be here before you know it…and there will be times when you’ll be wishing they could put it back in just a little longer ;)

  2. halloweenlover on March 8th, 2010 9:01 pm

    I was about to suggest the chiropractor, but you beat me to it! And next I was going to suggest a new mattress, but look again! You beat me to it! The mattress helped me big time. We got it when I was pregnant with Josie because I was practically hysterical with back and hip pain and then it got so much better, so hopefully that will be it.

    I wish you lived closer, I would help you make a quilt! You could always do needlepoint or cross-stitch or something like that. I think cross-stitch (the new stuff, not the granny stuff) seems fabulous. Very fun to make baby stuff, anyway. How about learning to applique stuff onto onesies? You could make TONS of personalized onesies and burp cloths and stuff like that. Squeee! Baby stuff!

  3. natalie on March 9th, 2010 5:48 am

    i was on bedrest from 26w6d ’til i delivered at 37w5d. i totally understand the boringness of it all and the discomfort of it all. i also had the worrying associated with my severe gd and pree and how they were going to affect the baby. gah!
    but once she gets here it’s amazing b/c TIME FLIES. FLIES.
    good luck and god bless.

  4. K on March 9th, 2010 2:17 pm

    I found a beautiful baby quilt on Etsy that looks like it would be fairly easy to replicate. I get the concept of how to quilt, I know how to sew (basically), and my neighbor/friend is a quilter, so I think I could do it. I just got overwhelmed with the different threads and rotary cutter and things like that. Eek. Maybe I’ll get brave in the next couple of weeks and give it a try.

  5. Tana on March 12th, 2010 9:12 am

    Hi, just de-lurking to say that what helped me during my pregnancy for sleep was a memory foam pillow between my knees and a decorative, meant to throw on your couch square pillow, it was more of a flat pillow, but anyhow, I would put that pillow under my belly for support when I was laying on my side. It was a great pain reliever especially towards the end. Hang in there, you’ll have your body back again before you know it plus a new little girl that will distract you for all else that may still be trying to adjust. :-) Good luck and congratulations.

  6. Lenise on March 12th, 2010 9:34 pm

    My pregnancies were pretty easy (I have rheumatoid arthritis, which pretty much went away for the duration), except for the serial infections/illnesses/shingles which plagued me during the second pregnancy. He got tired of the antibiotics and came at 36.5 weeks ;) My sister-in-law slept in a recliner for her third trimester.

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