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Halfway There : 1902victorian.com Blog

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Halfway There

Yesterday was the big 20 weeks diagnostic ultrasound, when they check that all the baby’s all-important organs and bones are where they’re supposed to be - oh yeah, and determine gender … not that it’s been on my mind at all. I also had to do a blood sugar test, in which I had to fast for two hours, then guzzle a cup of sugary drink (fruit-punch flavored cough syrup, anyone?), then have my finger pricked an hour later.

As I sat in the lab area waiting to get my blood pressure taken and my cup-o-syrup measured out, I kept smiling to myself and even almost giggling. I looked around at the other pregnant ladies and thought, “I can’t believe I’m really here!” Through the past several years, whenever I sat in that chair, I kept my eyes focused on my cuticles or a House Beautiful magazine, always keeping my distance from the smiling faces on the covers of the abundant copies of Parenting magazine. I tried to avoid looking at all the ladies with charmingly distended bellies surrounding me.

This time, I was one of them - my belly finally starting to stick out appropriately under one of the two shirts from my pre-pregnancy days that hasn’t turned into a 1990s-era crop top on me. I could listen to the ladies’ talk of weight gain and back pain and nausea without turning shriveled and bitter inside.

D and I had to wait two hours for the fun part - the ultrasound - but I didn’t even mind much. In the mean time I passed my blood sugar test (to my own amazement! My score was 131; anything over 135 and I would’ve had to continue on to the 3-hour test), and my blood pressure was deemed “perfect.”

When we finally got called back for the ultrasound, my stomach was all aquiver. This was it! The moment!

Since our last ultrasound three weeks ago, I’ve slipped into referring to the baby as “she,” despite my misgivings. Still, in front of the ultrasound tech, when I called the baby “she,” I immediately corrected with “or he.” We didn’t mention our previous ultrasounds or their results because I didn’t want the outcome of this one to be influenced in any way.

After a few minutes of perusing the vital organs - kidneys? check! four-chamber heart? check! stomach? check! bladder? check! spine and ribs and femurs and radials and ulnas and all manner of other fascinating things? check, check, check, check! - the ultrasound tech focused on the nether regions. I’d already glimpsed what I suspected were girl parts, and she confirmed it easily. No cord between the legs this time to confuse things. No ambiguity. There they were - the fabled three lines! And they popped up clearly a few times during the ultrasound, while no boy parts whatsoever popped up and presented themselves as they are so wont to do.

Now I was beginning to feel it - the excitement of near-certainty that I’d been hoping for with the last two ultrasounds. D said, “We’ve got a Rosemary,” because that’s the name we’ve been bandying about this week, and suddenly she did not feel like a Rosemary to me. But a girl, yes, we have a girl. The ultrasound tech even gave us a little white onesie with the doctor’s office’s name printed on it in vivid, girly-girl candy pink.

After the ultrasound, we were sent to sub-waiting to wait to see my doctor, and I took a detour to the bathroom. Pregnant ladies have to pee a lot - have you heard that? In the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly couldn’t stop grinning. I jumped up and down and danced a jig and squealed in glee. We’re having a girl! It’s really happening - all of it! This baby is healthy and amazing and a real live person who will one day come home from this place with us and be ours forever!

Even now it keeps popping into my head and making me smile. Pregnancy is no picnic - I can’t lie down flat or sit at the wrong angle without my lower back hurting because the weight of baby and uterus makes an old pelvis injury flare up, and I’m still throwing up about once a day (the doc has diagnosed reflux), and finding a comfortable sleeping position is nearly impossible … and I haven’t even made it to the third trimester yet - but it is 100 percent worth it.

I wake up in the morning and lay my hand on my belly, and almost every morning she’s in that same spot - a little knot that’s getting bigger all the time (12 ounces and 10 inches long at yesterday’s count, measuring two days ahead) and moving a little higher all the time. It’s still miraculous to me that I can reach down and touch her, that if I can feel her, maybe she can feel my hand on her, too. That soon I will feel her move inside (may have already a couple of times, but I’m not sure).

All of these little things make me feel less anxious for the end. I’m halfway through now, but I’m beginning to think of it less as 4.5 months to survive and more as 4.5 months to savor. I will never be this close to her again; I’ll never be able to protect her this well again.

Last night, my mom, sister and I went to visit my grandmother and aunt. Before dinner, my aunt said the blessing, and in her prayer she prayed that this baby be safe and grow strong and healthy. My aunt’s baby girl - her only child, after years of infertility - was born premature at 19 weeks, six years ago this month; she was too tiny to survive.

She and my aunt have been on my mind every day since I got pregnant; every day I have thought about what happened to them and how unfair and terrible it was; every day, I have told myself, “if I can make it past 19 weeks, my baby will be okay.”

Then, on the day I reached 20 weeks, my aunt gave us her blessing. What better sign can there be? Me and this baby - I think we can make it. She is strong and healthy, and I will do the best I can.

posted by K | filed under Reflection, 9 Months of Awesome | 

Comments

6 Responses to “Halfway There”

  1. Teresa on January 19th, 2010 2:49 pm

    I’ve been checking every day to see if there was an update. I’m so happy that you know for SURE that you are having a girl and that she is healthy. Enjoy the next half. I’ll be waiting for more happy updates and am looking forward to the day when SHE is born.

  2. kelly on January 19th, 2010 9:36 pm

    I started thinking of her as Rosemary today when my mind would wander to her on my drive home. The name spoke so naturally in my thoughts.

  3. Kathy on January 19th, 2010 10:30 pm

    Please don’t wait so long to post again! I have been wondering if everything was ok. I’m so happy for you and your DAUGHTER! At least once a week fill us in, you have a lot of people pulling for you. You’re right to savor every pregnancy moment, too soon they will be skipping off to school without you.

  4. Emily on January 20th, 2010 12:24 am

    Yayy! Congratulations! I’m so happy, little girls are so much fun! As for the waiting, and excitement that she will be here in 4.5 months, I totally understand the feeling!

  5. Jo on January 25th, 2010 4:32 pm

    I love your blog. I found it when I was looking for house renovation ideas. But now I just check in for news on your baby! I’m so happy for you- I cried reading this post! I wish you a happy and safe third trimester. Congrats on your happy, healthy baby girl! :-)

  6. sarah on January 30th, 2010 3:27 pm

    Congratulations and best wishes for your continued healthy pregnancy!! I’m so happy to hear that you finally got confirmation of the gender! :D

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