I’ve been debating for the past 24 hours whether to write this post. The wise, practical, cautious thing to do would be keep my mouth/keyboard shut for a while. But it comes down to this: I’m terrible at keeping secrets. And also, I want to write it all down for posterity. Literally.

So here goes, from the beginning:

We bought a three-pack of pregnancy tests on Sunday, because I had a pg blood test scheduled for the following morning. I like to take one the morning I go to the doc, because if the blood test turns out negative I want to be prepared. That way when the nurse tentatively asks, “Did you cheat?” I can nod sadly and say “Negative,” then smile bravely, and she can feel guilty for even asking, and we’ll all just start the day off in a great mood.

Sunday night I laid out the test on the window sill by the toilet, so I wouldn’t forget to take it in the morning. Fat chance, but just in case.

Usually, I’m quite negative about the prospect of getting a positive, but before I fell asleep, I thought, “You know, it’s got to be positive some time. This could be the time.” I’d been having some symptoms – you know, the kind where you can find a thousand people on the internet who had them and were pregnant and an equal number who turned out not to be. Very conclusive stuff.

So yesterday morning, I woke up earlier than usual to get to that pesky early appointment. D was still asleep, and I crept into the bathroom to have my private time with the dreaded pregnancy test. I peed on the stick, and – as usual – the one, evil dark pink line immediately appeared. I felt the usual twinge of unsurprised sadness and set the test back on the window sill while I flushed the toilet and … well, did you know if you’re sleep-addled and careless, pee can bounce off a pregnancy test and spray everywhere? You have been warned.

Anyway … so by the time I got a chance to glance at the stick again, something mysterious had happened. To the left of the evil dark pink line was … another line? My mouth dropped open. Two lines? Two pink lines, one as pale pink as the inside of a kitten’s ear, the other – well, you know – dark and evil.

It began to sink in what I was seeing, and I started gulping air and screaming, “Holy shit! Holy shit!” over and over. About the time it occurred to me I should tell D, he came bursting into the bathroom. I don’t know if he thought I was dying or what.

“It’s positive!” I gasped, but he knew already by the look on my face, and he was already grinning from ear to ear. We hugged and cried and smiled, and my tears smeared on his bare shoulders. I’ve never felt that way before in my entire life. So, so happy, delighted, amazed, shocked, awed, vulnerable, stripped of all the pretense. This is what I wanted so much and could never admit it because I thought it would never come – this moment of getting to be like everyone else. This simple moment of me and my husband celebrating that we made something together.

I showed D the test and said, “See if there’s really two lines there.” It seemed far too good to be true. I was still completely in shock, shaking and smiling and giggling. He looked at the test and said, “It’s real!”

Then, far too soon, we had to cut out the celebrating so I could get ready to go to town. While I primped, we discussed who we would tell and when. We’ve always known we would never be ones to wait till the second trimester, but D thought we should wait at least till that afternoon, when we would find out the results of the blood test.

I agreed with that in theory. Until I started thinking how I wanted to text my sister a photo of the positive test (she’s a photographer – I figured she would appreciate the visual clue), and how Mom was already dying to know the results today … and basically, how I was practically bursting with the news. Finally, we concluded a positive home test is good enough for telling immediate family.

On the way to town, I called Mom and texted my sister (who would still be in bed), and then I got to the doc, where I would get my first opportunity to tell someone in person.

I went in and chitchatted with the nurse for a moment, waiting for her to ask her usual question: Did you cheat? But then it was time to go back, and she hadn’t asked yet, so I blurted out, “I cheated.”

She squinted her eyes and studied me, and cautiously asked, “What was it?”

I started smiling and said, “Positive.”

I think she was as stunned as I was. When she recovered, she dragged me back to share the news with the other nurse and nurse practitioner, and everyone gathered around me, beaming and congratulating me. I giggled mostly. And when I tried to say how I was worried something would go wrong, they hushed me and said don’t even think it.

Afterward, I had to kill time before a dentist appointment, so I allowed myself to go to the mall and shop the kid sections. I decided it wouldn’t hurt anything to buy one outfit, something that I can say, “I bought this on the day I found out.” I bought two onesies that were on sale at Baby Gap – one with a puppy on it and one that said, “I Love Daddy” in patchwork letters.

I was feeling pretty good about things, since the nurses seemed to see a positive home test as nearly definitive proof there’s a bun in my oven. Then I went to the dentist, and when they were about to do an X-ray, I got to announce to a total stranger for the first time, “I’m pregnant.” That’s when the hygienist started chatting, asking questions, and I mentioned that I didn’t even have the blood test results yet, but “you never hear about anyone having a false positive home test.” Well of course, this hygienist is the one person in the world who has had a false positive. Awesome.

So for the rest of the afternoon I was pretty much freaking out and assuming the worst, as usual. I kept checking my phone to make sure it was on and/or I hadn’t missed the nurse’s call. Back at home, I was sitting here on the couch when the call finally came.

“You’re good and pregnant, girl!” said the nurse, and she told me my levels for hcg and progesterone were normal.

As soon as I hung up, I ran – literally ran – outside to tell D. We grinned and held hands and jumped up and down and took turns congratulating each other on the awesomeness of our respective reproductive parts. It was real! Really really real! We did it!

Of course, I came back down to earth pretty rapidly and started researching miscarriage rates. Lately, we’ve had this awful pattern of good news that we announce to everyone and then it turns out completely horrible. I feel like the girl who cried baby.

So I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – and hoping it never does. I go back in one week to see if my hcg number doubles. If it does, that’s a really good sign, and then I’ll have an ultrasound to see if the egg sack or whatever is in my uterus where it belongs. And then around 6-8 weeks, we would have an ultrasound to check for the heartbeat, and if it’s there, the miscarriage rate drops to 10 percent.

Basically, there are about a million chances for this to go bad, but there’s still that promising 80-88ish percent chance this grain of rice will turn into the kid we’ve been waiting for.

posted by K | filed under Pregnancy | 26 Comments

Comments

26 Responses to “Two Lines”

  1. Cami on September 29th, 2009 7:23 pm

    Long time reader, CONGRATS !!!!!!
    I know what your halloween costume will be this year! A mom! :)

  2. Lenise on September 29th, 2009 7:35 pm

    I am so thrilled for you!! I’ll be praying.

  3. nancy on September 29th, 2009 7:48 pm

    Another long time reader, and I am so happy for you!!!

  4. Norma on September 29th, 2009 8:03 pm

    Kristen!!!!

    I think this is definitely the time to delurk!!!

    Congratulations to you and Darwin!!! I’m so so happy for the both of you!!! :D

  5. 1916home.net on September 29th, 2009 8:04 pm

    OHHHH YYYAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Congrats K! You MUST have an online baby shower somehow :) :) I’ll bring the vodka, sorry none for you!

  6. halloweenlover on September 29th, 2009 9:21 pm

    I’m crying with happiness! I kept thinking that all of this must be happening because your baby is coming to you the way he or she needs to come to you, and all of this other stuff is just unfortunately sad news along the way.

    I’m SO EXCITED!!!

  7. Nathan on September 29th, 2009 11:59 pm

    CONGRATS! My prayers (and I’m sure yours) have been answered! I’m so excited for you. Keep us posted!

    …and @1916home.net, I’ll take K’s share of the vodka ;)

  8. Dot on September 30th, 2009 6:12 am

    I am so happy for you, when I saw the post title I actually started to cry!

  9. erin on September 30th, 2009 6:19 am

    I’m so happy for you, happy tears in the morning is always a good sign. Don’t fret and don’t worry, just take care of yourself and enjoy every minute!

  10. Becky on September 30th, 2009 7:23 am

    Awesome news! So happy for you guys. After all the adoption stuff, you guys definitely deserve this time of happiness.

  11. amanda on September 30th, 2009 7:35 am

    I’m so happy for you two! You totally deserve this!

  12. Dee in BC on September 30th, 2009 9:40 am

    Congrats!- so thrilled for you:)

  13. Kristy on September 30th, 2009 11:41 am

    I’m on vacation for two days and come back to this…what lovely news.

    Big Congratulations!!

  14. Jordana on September 30th, 2009 12:50 pm

    Congratulations! I’m thrilled!

  15. Meredith from Merchant Ships on September 30th, 2009 1:09 pm

    No way! I’m absolutely overjoyed for you!

  16. Paula on September 30th, 2009 1:20 pm

    CONGRATULATIONS! Your last couple of blog posts have brought me to sobbing tears and I was so happy to have this post bring happy tears to my eyes. I will be praying for you.

  17. Teresa on September 30th, 2009 4:21 pm

    I have happy tears in my eyes. I said don’t give up hope and hope is coming!!

  18. Amy on September 30th, 2009 4:40 pm

    I’ve never been so happy for a stranger before!!! Congrats!

  19. Diagriene on September 30th, 2009 8:43 pm

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!! This is absolutely wonderful news! As someone who had gone through IVF x 3, I can say with experience: try NOT to think about the stats; enjoy every moment freely and without reservation. Easier said than done, I know. But whether you enjoy it, or live in a constant state of worry (usually my path), the outcome will be the same. And remember: you’re PUPO – Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise :D

  20. Marlene on September 30th, 2009 9:00 pm

    Congratulations! I am SO happy for you! I have been praying really hard that you would be pregnant. Your sad posts about the almost adoptions had me in tears, now this wonderful news is so special! You are going to be awesome parents!

  21. kelly on September 30th, 2009 9:40 pm

    I knew you couldn’t resist blogging this. I too have happy tears even though I already knew! Good writing as usual.

  22. Catherine on September 30th, 2009 10:44 pm

    Congratulations. You’ve waited years and now you will have the best gift of your life!!

  23. K on October 1st, 2009 12:02 am

    Thank you! Thank you! We are so excited, and I’m not allowing myself to do anymore internet research or read any more horror stories. I’m even letting myself daydream a little bit. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise – I like that!

  24. Jen on October 1st, 2009 8:40 am

    YAY! Yay! (yay). I’m SO HAPPY for you!!!! I’m a long time reader, can’t even remember now how I found your blog (probably looking for blogs on old houses) but I am soo happy for you and have been keeping you in my prayers. :)

  25. Sara on October 1st, 2009 8:44 am

    So happy for you guys!!! After everything you have been thru you deserve the best outcome!!!!!

  26. Joyce on October 1st, 2009 11:26 am

    So many people have adopted only to find out shortly thereafter that they are pregnant. Wonder if this is just coincidence or it triggers something physically and/or mentally that produces this interesting and delightful outcome You came so very close — congratulations. Hmmmmmm.

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