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Monday, June 1st, 2009
For the first few years I knew my mother-in-law, I was always getting offended because when she came over to our house, she critiqued everything in sight - our furniture, our yard, our bodies, our choices. But over time, I came to realize it wasn’t me personally she had a problem with - I’ve seen her do it to her own kids, her nieces and nephews, even near strangers. She simply cannot - or will not - stop herself from sharing her every opinion, even ones most people would wisely keep to themselves.
Because of the racist things she said when we were trying to adopt a sibling group of biracial African American children - and the fact that the things she said changed the whole landscape of our adoption path - MIL and I only recently began speaking again.
For the past few months, I’ve been trying to make an effort to be civil, mostly because it’s impossible to avoid her without also avoiding my father-in-law and nieces and nephews and other in-laws. I refused to punish my nieces and nephews by not attending their birthday parties just because she would be there.
It was really hard at first. At my niece A’s party, we didn’t speak at all. She came and sat near me, but I was still too angry. I couldn’t even look at her. At the next party two weeks later, I said, “Excuse me,” as I passed her to go the bathroom. Since then, there have been two more parties (we’re a birthday party family) and a dinner at her house on Mother’s Day, and we had to drop by their house last week to pick up some tomato plants. It was on this last occasion - when it was only the four of us, mother-in-law, father-in-law, D and I - that I couldn’t avoid having an actual conversation with her. She seemed happy to be chatting with me - I could almost hear her thinking, “Yay! Everything’s back to normal, and I didn’t even have to apologize!”
Then this morning she and D’s dad dropped by for a few minutes. And yep - things are back to normal. No more tiptoeing around me. Right off the bat, she launched into her old pattern of criticism, because obviously the best way to make up with a person is by instructing them on the proper technique for all the things they’re doing wrong.
First, she addressed Stanley over the fence and said, “My, you’re getting fat. You need to tell your mama and daddy to cut back on your food. If you don’t, you’re going to have a heart attack!” Then she instructed me that we should whip him with a switch to teach him to stop barking. I wish I’d said, “We don’t plan to hit our animals or our children either!” But instead, in the interest of keeping the peace, I made no comment.
Of the next 15 minutes, she filled at least 14 with a steady stream of unsolicited advice and negativity. According to her, we need to cut down the cedar tree that isn’t even on our property, move the hazelnut tree, and fix the gutter in exactly her way. She also criticized every move D made while he planted two blueberry bushes they gave us, told us it must be our fault our refrigerator broke because we probably put too much in the freezer, announced that Millie doesn’t look good with her ear flipped back (huh?), implied that she disapproves of the dogs being cooped up in a fence (right - would she rather us let them run wild and get mauled and almost killed like her dog?), and made a dozen other such observations.
She seriously didn’t say a single thing that was positive or even neutral - and this was a mild occasion! Even though most of the stuff she says is minor and can be brushed off on its own, in combination it becomes infuriating. After she left, I felt like I needed to go lie down! It’s so exhausting to be in her presence because every time she opens her mouth, we hold our breath, bracing ourselves for the next comment and to control our careful non-reaction. We have to be careful what we say, too, because anything could set her off into an instructional talk. D says she’s always been this way, only he didn’t notice it as much until he had some distance.
Now, I must admit my own mother is fond of the pointed critique as well, and if there’s a possible worst case scenario, she immediately leaps to that conclusion (hence her nickname: the Voice of Doom). Also, almost everyone I know has this same trouble with their mothers and mothers-in-law - this disturbing lack of ability to keep opinions to themselves when it comes to “guiding” their precious children (grown or otherwise) in the “correct” direction.
So why do they do it? And is it possible to avoid it? I think the key may be in the chief principle of the Parenting With Love and Logic book I’ve been reading lately. Some things in the book are a bit extreme (it advocates dropping kids off on the side of the road if they act up in the car, though admittedly under carefully controlled circumstances, unlike the case in the news recently), but the general idea is to not be a “helicopter parent,” a parent who hovers around trying to constantly protect their child from harm or inconvenience. The authors of the book say that to raise responsible kids capable of making wise choices for themselves, we must back off a little and give them the chance to make decisions - and yes, mistakes.
Makes sense to me. But apparently it’s much easier said than done, as almost every parent of grown children I know is quick to jump in and “help.” This is how we get situations like my mother suggesting methods for us to lose weight, D’s mother instructing us on a better way to cook a dish we brought to dinner, my friend T’s mother-in-law telling her she’s not feeding her baby enough, and so on. Apparently, you get so used to saying things like, “If you colored inside the lines, the picture would look better” when they’re kids that it’s hard to stop when they’re grown and the issues have higher stakes.
While I wait for our child, I’m noticing stuff like this more than usual. I’m paying attention, too, to the way the people around me parent their kids, and I’m making mental notes. When I spent some time with my sister-in-law and her two kids, I noticed how patient she is and how she is constantly giving them little choices that make them feel like they have control over their situation.
I’m using these observations to get together a parenting philosophy - no, a parenting plan. I’m hoping that having a plan will help me be the kind of parent I want to be … at least most of the time. If all goes according to plan (because everything always does, right?), I’ll be easygoing - I won’t be one of those parents demanding military levels of respect and obedience. I won’t care too much if they get dirty or make a mess. I won’t make them feel bad for spilling something, but I will want them to help clean it up. I will teach them to be kind and respectful to other people. I will try not to make arbitrary demands. I’ll buy dolls for a boy and trucks for a girl without batting an eyelash; I’ll never say, “Put that down. That’s a girl toy.” I won’t make them sit at the dinner table for hours if they won’t eat their peas, but I also won’t give them soft drinks or keep a lot of junk food in the house. I will try to follow through when I make a threat. I will encourage them to read and draw and make things.
And now, I have a new resolution to add to the list: I will try to back off and let them color outside the lines.
P.S. I haven’t posted in three weeks because my blog got hacked and wouldn’t let me post. I’ve spent hours tracking down this problem, and for the moment, it is fixed. Keep your fingers crossed! :)
glad you finally got this posted. It was a good one, cracked me up. VOICE OF DOOOOM! indeed.
This is certainly a great post. I have a unique perspective on parenting in that my father raised me and my sibilings. My mom was the one who went to work and paid the bills, my dad was Mr. Mom.
He certainly filled his time with us in the best possible way allowing imagination to reign. Yes, we did have video games; but you’d be surprised how much more we wanted to play with legos. I agree with you completely and hope that when your time comes you’ll put your parenting plan into action.
Mr. Badger saw this and forwarded it to me (even though I subscribe to your blog) saying, “Either her MIL doesn’t read her blog or she doesn’t give a rat’s ass”. Either way, we both agree that you rock. We have similar…issues, and power to you for shouting out loud.
Ha, Lindsay - I used to care and not mention MIL on the blog, but that’s over now! :)
Oh, and she also thinks the Internet eats people’s brains or something, so I doubt she’ll be hanging out on my blog.
Had a MIL just like yours, was always an irritation. Oddly enough though, once my husband died a few years ago, she suddenly became chummy and totally non-critical. Have no idea what’s up with that, unless she was mostly flogging my husband (though it felt like me too at the time.)
I don’t have children by choice, so no advice on parenting issues. (smile)
We did a book study on love and logic when I was teaching. I agree with the choices and discussing with children what would have been a good choice. Also when they mess up, you ask what are you going to do about it and only offer choices when they don’t have any.
My advice to my daughter-in-law when she our grandchild was to talk to her and when she talks to you listen. I don’t think near enough parents talk to their children or listen to them when they talk. I have to fight the urge to tell complete strangers to look at their children.