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Thursday, April 10th, 2008
1 part terror (abject is best)
1 part relief
1 part excitement
1 part sadness
Shake well and serve.
I quit my job today. We all knew if/when the costume website started doing well enough, I would no longer have time for what essentially amounts to two full-time jobs, and of the two, the website would win. I was (and still am) excited about that prospect - working from home, being free to travel more, matching my schedule to Darwin’s so I can see him more, setting myself up for my someday future as a baby-making vessel, having more energy to exercise and more time to write fiction and, yes, even work on the house.
But now that the day is here, I’m more scared and sad than I expected to be. I got this job straight out of college as a wee babe of 21. It’s the first place I started going by my husband’s last name and the first place I had real responsibility. The first place where I had my own office that wasn’t just a space carved out of a storeroom, and the first place I got to give people assignments and make peace between warring parties and handle crises.
It’s the only real job I’ve ever had, and - while I complained about it mightily sometimes - it was really a pretty good one. I couldn’t have asked for a better boss, and over the years I’ve met so many nice people - both the people I’ve worked with and the people I’ve interviewed for stories, some of whom still call to chat or send me Christmas cards.
Also, I got to say I was a magazine editor. My senior year of high school I decided I wanted to be a magazine editor, and in college I was one of the few people I knew who never wavered from her chosen major - journalism. I loved everything about it then. I loved working at the college paper (I was a copy editor and then a designer), loved the frenetic newsroom and the late nights, loved tweaking a sentence to make it better, and best of all, loved piecing together a puzzle of quotes and information into a fine little story.
While editing the exact same kind of stories month after month for the past five years has killed the love a bit, I’m still sad to be leaving behind my chosen profession. I write all the copy for the costume website, I write this blog, I might do some freelance writing for my former job, and I hope to write more fiction, but officially I won’t be a journalist anymore.
Also, I’m sad to leave my friends at work, who I somehow didn’t realize I had so much affection for. Today a parade of people came through my office, all eyeing me sideways and saying, “I heard a rumor you’re leaving.” When I confirmed it, J sat silent in the chair and looked devastated. T said, “You’re one of the good ones.” C said, “Who will I go to now to talk about [fill in the blank]?”
Of course, it isn’t goodbye just yet. I will be going on one last work trip with them in a couple of weeks, and I will likely be in the office at least another month or two, since I said I’d stay on while they searched for my replacement.
But the truth is one day soon I will be gone. I’ve wanted so badly the independence of working from home, but now I wonder if I’ll be desperately lonely without my daily dose of heated movie discussions, whispered gossip sessions, tales of New Orleans vacations gone wrong, complaints about the sales people, and the same old quips we make every month about the more tedious sections of the magazine.
Now my only business contacts will be my parents, customers with questions, and sales reps on the other end of a phone line.
I’ll make an effort to keep in touch with my former co-workers by phone and e-mail - some people who left still manage to stay on the radar - but it won’t be the same.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m genuinely excited about the new job. The website offers me independence and a sense that my actions have a direct, positive result. If I add a new product and we sell one that same day (as has happened before), I know I’ve accomplished something. And the website is mine; it is my baby. I share in the profits, and I am a partner in decisions. If I want to try something new, I just try it and see what happens. Since I was a kid, I always fantasized about starting businesses and making money, so if you think about it, that actually predated my journalism dream.
In addition, I can save $200 a month on gas and have that hour and 20 minutes every day to do something else with. I can take a language course or a cooking class, and I can go walking with my neighbor in the mornings. I can revert to my natural night-owl tendencies and be productive in bursts separated by periods of doing whatever I want. And if things continue to go well, I’ll make more money doing it.
Still, I’ve never been fond of change, and this is the biggest change I’ve made since the one that landed me in this job in the first place. It terrifies me, and as it looms, the old way starts to have a hazy glow of nostalgia about it. Even compiling another new products section and editing another technical article begin to seem tragically romantic.
And the fear sets my mind churning with all the worst-case scenarios - the website could suddenly and inexplicably drop off the face of Google and sales could shrivel to a trickle, or I could be so lonely and depressed in this house alone that I could eat a pound of brownies every day and eventually have to be hoisted off the couch with a crane. Or even with plenty of time and no writing burnout, I still couldn’t finish so much as a short story, let alone muster up the courage/motivation to submit it for publication anywhere.
So now is where you say reassuring things - you’ll love working from home, you won’t miss oversleeping every day and being so late you have to put your make-up on in the car, you’ll love the independence, you’re saving the environment by not commuting to work. Anything, people, please. Make the bad thoughts go away.
This is the right move and you should definitely make writing fiction (AND GETTING IT PUBLISHED) a big part of your new life.
I agree with Kelly. You will not be sorry. Enjoy your new path!
I have been lurking out here in Missouri, reading your blog for awhile. (We also have a big old Victorian house that we are continually working on.) I retired from teaching in July 2007, after 32 years. At first, it is a little overwhelming that you don’t have that job to go to anymore. The freedom to determine your life, however, is exhilarating. I do have less discipline than I did when working, but I do still exercise, clean, and cook. I also have the time to go with my husband on a sales call at the spur of a moment, come to Eutaw last October for the Fall Pilgrimage (My husband’s great great-grandfather was Attoway R. Davis), be more active at church, keep the yard beautiful, go to the NRA Convention with my husband in May (something I could never do when I was teaching.) and go out to school once a week and listen to kindergartners read. I also have discovered a new passion–genealogy. I have the freedom to work on it whenever I want. So all said, I think that you will have a period of adjustment, but you will love being your own boss. That is the American way, you know.
I spent several years as a deployed worker in a home office before becoming a full-time stay-home dad. The freedom is real, and the loneliness can be managed. You have made this change with purpose and positive motivation– I think you’ll do well with it. Good luck, Kristin!
How about if I just tell you how jealous I am? I want to work from home in the WORST way but there is no way I could find a job with my benefits that would let me work from home. So, enjoy your freedom! Revel in the fact that some people are green with envy at the thought of you working in your pajamas and slippers!
I’m a retiree from constant interaction with fellow employees and outsiders of all kind. Fifty years of that seemed enough and I was ready to go. After 9 years I am still very content but I still think of those exciting and rewarding years and always will. This is not a bad thing nor should it be for you. Yes, you’ll miss it for a while but, with all you have to look forward to, you will not yearn for it. Your goals are clear and if your web business and baby farm both work out well, you will be busy enough and happy enough to get over this short mourning period in no time at all. My very best of luck to you. You have certainly earned it.
I can certainly understand your anxiety about this change. I’m sure I would feel the same way. However! I really admire your bravery in taking the chance and making this change. Transitions are always anxiety producing (for me anyway), but I have found that whenever I have made a career/job change I have always ended up in a better place for myself. This will be the case for you too I suspect.
You are going to grow into what is best for you and this may be working for yourself. This is how life works. So many people would love to do that but lack the courage to try. Pat yourself on the bak and realize that nothing is set in stone or forever. It’s just one day at a time. I also recommend yoga classes for calming nerves!
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I happen to think you are a very good writer too!
i think you’re doing the right thing! i would LOVE LOVE LOVE working from home…too bad you can’t *ever* do that as an elementary school teacher.
natalie
hey you! i’ve worked from home since 2003 and it really rocks. you can mow the grass during the morning time. you can go to the store when there is no one there! you have so much freedom. i did gain weight though- that was the only thing that i really had to watch. because the brownies are so tempting! you will love it! good luck! what an awesome adventure!
Thanks everyone!
I left my full-time office job in November of 2006 (after 20 years) to work at home. It can be very isolating at times. One thing that’s worked for me though is the additional contacts I have made on the web. I have some very close “friends” from my other (work/corporate) blog (not the one here) who I talk to often, share photos, play scrabulus on facebook, tweet with…whatever. I do try to work from Panera Bread or Barnes & Noble or the local cafe just so I can see some people and see if my jeans still fit.
I thin kits a great idea and you have a great website to continue on.
I know my wife would like to work at home too and we are getting ready for that time (CPA). There is still some work to do on the house and shes worried to get pregnant with all the fumes and dust. But now is the time for us to at least start preparing. Great idea!