Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
1/2 can of Bondo
6 sheets green extra-strong sandpaper from 3M
9 tubes of caulk
2 3/4-inch nap rollers
2 cans of primer
1 can of paint, Benjamin Moore “Mauve Desert”
Use scrapers to remove loose paint. Bondo the many cracks and nail holes, taking breaks between each smelly, awful batch to gasp for fresh air in the hallway. After it’s all dry and the scraping is all done (this will take approximately three eternities), sand with palm sander, using extra-strong green sandpaper.
Sweep floor and wipe down walls. Prime first coat with a worn-out old roller that you will later realize is wasting time and must be trashed. Now you will see the multitude of cracks between the beaded boards. When it dries, sand and half-heartedly wipe down again.
Apply 9 tubes of caulk to said cracks until finger gets a strawberry and/or gets stuck with a splinter and bleeds on the wall. This will take approximately one eternity.
Give the caulk time to dry – a day, a week, a year, whatever works for you. Apply second, much thicker coat of primer with new 3/4-inch nap roller. Rolling sideways helps get the paint in the grooves of the horizontal beadboard.
Forego the sanding because you are so tired of looking at and touching sandpaper and your fingers feel worn down to nubs. Realize that the one gallon of paint the paint store lady recommended will not make it through two coats of paint. Decide to paint the first coat on thick, so maybe you’ll only have to touch up a few spots.
Hesitate before painting because the newly caulked and primed walls look so fresh and bright white it seems a shame to cover them. Paint anyway, while listening to Backtrax ’90s on the busted-up radio/cassette player you’ve had since second grade. Argue with spouse over whether paint gets darker or lighter when dry. As the paint dries darker, smugly point out that you were right.
Paint your initials on the wall to make up.
When the painting is finished, stand back and see that it is darker than you expected and grayer and purpler. But it will do because you are tired of thinking about it, and it will look better once the baseboards are installed, and it will look better once the trim is painted Glacier White, and it will mostly be covered with massive times-three shower curtains and sinks and towel racks and medicine cabinets.
And the final step: Show off to neighbors and blog readers.