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Friday, January 12th, 2007
Mindy over at Fixer Upper tagged me to tell you “5 Things You Probably Don’t Know About Me.” In real life, I’m terrible at keeping secrets, even about myself, but that’s not entirely true when it comes to the blog. There are parts of myself I hold back even from you, dear bloggy readers. Since I’m writing instead of talking, I can exercise a little more control over myself.
For one, many of my real-life friends and neighbors know about this blog, so writing about them is a delicate proposition. I can’t go criticizing their choices or complaining about them, and even writing about them in a nice way is tricky. Some people probably don’t want their exploits described for the rest of the town and the Internet to read.
Then there’s the family. There are maybe five people in our combined, extended families who know how to use the Internet. But Darwin’s sister and brother-in-law recently got a computer and were asking about my e-mail address just this weekend. Eeek. Since my bloggy beginnings, I’ve feared this day and purposely kept my family-related posts mild-mannered. The last thing I need is a Harriet the Spy moment.
But it’s not just the hovering threat of our Baptist families that keeps talk of boozing, carousing, swearing, sex, religion, and politics to a minimum. It’s wimpy of me, but I prefer to remain non-controversial. Other than an occasional rant about litter or pets, I keep my opinions to myself. Maybe this comes from living in Alabama, where my opinions often differ dramatically from the majority. Or maybe it’s because some things are too important to me to open them up to attack.
I’ve kept other secrets for the same reason. But now it’s time to reveal my deep, dark inner self … or at least part of it. This was supposed to be lighthearted, but dark and twisty can be fun, too … why else would I love Six Feet Under?
So here goes. Deep breath. Leap!
1. I am infertile. Whew, that’s a bang of a way to start, huh? I mentioned it vaguely once long ago, and during a darker time, I briefly kept a separate blog on the subject. But I found that reading and writing about infertility all the time was dragging me down. I cried a lot, and Darwin and I fought daily about our options. We’ve been married 4 and a half years and not-not-trying for 3 years of that time with no luck whatsoever. We knew we’d have trouble, so we started early. He’s been tested, and yeah, it’s me. I briefly and half-heartedly tried some fertility meds, but we haven’t given it a real go yet.
2. I wrote a crappy novel in the summer of 2005. It’s hard to admit that something I worked on vigorously for months turned out to be absolutely horrible, but facts are facts. How crappy is it? In 9th grade, my best friend and I wrote a story about us going on a cruise with our (imaginary) boyfriends; it consisted mostly of us changing into cute outfits and then scampering off to make out with said boyfriends. And yet I think that story might have been better than my novel.
Not much of it is even salvageable, but at least I got it out of my system (they say you always have to write one crap novel first). At least writing the crappy novel got my mind off wallowing in infertility-induced self-pity, and I haven’t gone back. Now I have book ideas new and old spinning around in my head, but I can’t get them to sit still. And I’m a procrastinator, but we’re going to pretend that has nothing to do with it.
3. I watch DeGrassi: The Next Generation. I even Tivo it. Some might wonder how that fits into the “deep, dark secret” theme here, but just consider this: DeGrassi is a teenage melodrama a la Fifteen and a Very Special Episode of Saved by the Bell, and I am a 25-year-old woman. This season alone, DeGrassi has had two boys arrested for drag racing, a teen mother try to start a daycare at school, someone get addicted to cocaine, a teen try to get breast implants, a girl become bulimic, a pair get robbed while trying to start a T-shirt business, a paraplegic teen (who was shot in a school shooting) have trouble having sex with his girlfriend, a teen get upset over giving her baby up for adoption, and a girl get caught posting sexy shots of herself on MySpace.
It’s basically a soap opera, and I hate soaps. So why do I like DeGrassi? It’s a mystery too deep to fathom.
4. Sometimes I wonder if a person crazy enough to watch DeGrassi should have children. Maybe I only want a child for stupid reasons, like getting to choose a name and buy stuff from Pottery Barn Kids. Sometimes I don’t know if I even want a child. Sometimes I think we’ll be good parents. Other times I tell myself, “You can barely parent a dog!” Or I find myself yelling at Darwin or swearing like a sailor or acting exactly like my father, and I think, “What if a child was here watching me?” And if I can’t get myself to work on time, how will I ever get a child to school or dance practice or soccer?
Maybe I am too irritable or impatient or even too fat to be a mother. Maybe my genes suck and I should just stop the madness here. Or maybe they are good, and I am good. It’s so hard to know without taking the leap, and once you’ve leapt there’s no turning back.
5. It’s not time yet. My mother is already hoarding baby stuff she finds on sale (most recently Christmas outfits for $1.59 at Target), and Darwin’s brothers and sisters are all allegedly finished having kids, so now everyone is looking at us and saying, “It’s your turn!”
Part of me eagerly joins in the daydreaming. Sometimes when I look at a picture of Darwin, I ache to see a child with his face. Other times I think about adopting a child of another race and wonder about the our families’ reactions.
But another part of me is very selfish. In the immortal words of Cartman, “Whatever, I do what I want!” I want to travel, watch Medium and Six Feet Under and yes, DeGrassi, read Lucky: The Magazine About Shopping, work on the house, and do naughty things whenever and in whatever room I please. I want to visit with the nieces and nephews and friends’ kids and then go home to our nice, quiet house. (Which is gone now, anyway, replaced by a house full of Millie barking and Alistair hissing and Henry barreling down the hall and leaping up onto the piano.)
I’m 25 years old, and Darwin is 30. There is no rush. It’s my mantra now. There is no rush, there is no rush, there is no rush. We can finish the bathroom and the kitchen countertops. We can rip out the falling-apart vinyl in the kitchen and hall. We and the cats can adjust to Millie. We can go to Venice, to London, to Prague.
Those hand-me-down baby clothes and high chairs can wait.
So those are my five secrets. I don’t feel as exposed as I expected. Maybe because I still have so many secrets left. I’ll save them for another time.
And now I’m supposed to tag 5 more people. How about my favorite ninja, Maryam in Morocco, 1901 House, Greg at Petch House, and John at The Devil Queen.
I didn’t check extensively to see if you’d been tagged yet. No pressure.
This post made me smile. And what you said is exactly why I carefully maintain TWO journals. One is a private journal, with about 50% of the entries totally private (finally making it so that I can journal from almost anywhere without carting around and risking losing a paper journal), and the other 50% viewable to only a select group of friends where I can talk or vent (ok, bitch & whine) about things in my life without risking hurting someone’s feelings, boring someone with the little details, or grossing someone out with those TMI things that you just have to share sometimes. The other of course is my public house journal, which serves three main purposes: it keeps me from having to remember who I told what about what we’re doing and where things stand, it helps me to keep a record of things to look back on, and it keeps my personal journal friends who aren’t house freaks from falling asleep at the keyboard when I feel like rambling on about things like cleaning out the garage or installing bathroom fixtures.
I enjoy reading your house journal!
There are worse things than being infertile. I won’t mention them here, but I will tell you that I am 55 years old, a female widow and have NO regrets about NOT having children. That probably speaks volumes.
My only advice on this topic is: DO NOT let other people/relatives pressure you into whatever path might bring a child into your life. That is a choice you and Dawin makes, and if ONE of you doesn’t want a child, then the point is moot.
You might like to check into various forums/articles on the internet for those who choose not to have children…yet have wonderful lives anyway.
Here’s the link to regular articles I wrote in the past about being childfree:
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/childfree_by_choice>Childfree by Choice
Oh my. Thank you so much for sharing with us on your infertility. That is so very personal and I feel very touched, some how, to know about this. I too have had difficulty having children (I wrote about my experience with my daughter on my blog.) Now I know that I don’t really know you but I just really wish so much that I could just call you up and see if I could get you to have coffee with me. You just seem so special.
PS I did an equivalent of your meme sometime ago. Here it is. http://moroccanmaryam.typepad.com/my_marrakesh/2006/10/i_have_been_tag.html#comments
Really a great post. You’re a wonderful writer, so it surprises me that you thought the book was crap. My first house came out crappy, and I like what I’m doing with this one, so have another go at it.
And I’ve been tagged! Yikes. Your honesty will be an inspiration. Now the question is, which of my many deep dark secrets do I reveal. This sort of reminds me of Truth or Dare.
I will date myself by admitting to watching the original DeGrassi Jr. High in high school. AND I was pleased as punch to discover DeGrassi High when I was in college.
I will send plenty of good thoughts your way about kids. I wasn’t even married at your age. Had the first of two girls at 30. I think just worrying about whether or not you’ll be a good parent is a step towards good parenting. Any rational person would wonder.
you tagged me! i feel so honored. i really admire this post. i will go post my 5!
Infertility is such a complex issue both emotionally and physically. I hope whatever avenue you decide on is a smooth one.
I watch Degrassi TNG too. Don’t feel bad, I’m 28 and watch it. Sigh. And is it horrible I have such a crush on Sean? Peter is so gross, he reminds me of a used car salesman or something. So smarmy, he is.
Five secrets? That will be hard since I’ll have to pick five that I won’t mind my mom and sister reading. Otherwise, there is no telling what kind of torrid stuff you’d get.
And, as far as not voicing your opinions too much, Alabama sounds just like Arkansas; it’s kind of like being a member of a dissident underground.
Great post, Kristin – you really went above and beyond with your 5 things and I am so glad you shared. Your infertility must be extremely frustrating and confusing, but as you said you’re young and have time to figure it all out. I’m sure, based on the love and affection you pour into your animals and your house, you’d be great parents if you decide to go that route; then again, you DO watch DeGrassi. Just kidding, I would totally watch it if they carried it around here. I was totally in love with the original version. Remember Spike, the pregnant girl with the crazy hair?
I second Greg’s advice – go for novel #2! You’re a great writer with plenty of stories to tell.
Oh, and I’m totally racing you to the bathroom finish line ;) We’ve still got alot to do, like the trim… which took about 6 months for us to get to when we did the kitchen. We procrastinate badly on all that little stuff. So you’ve got time!
I never got to see the original DeGrassi (though I’ve caught a few episodes now). Spike is on the new one as one of the characters’ moms. Some of the other original cast members are on it, too. I think I love DeGrassi because of how much I WOULD have loved it as a teen. Though it’s just not the same now that half the cast graduated. The melodrama factor has increased.
I do plan to write another novel. It just takes such a huge commitment, and my life is so full now. I’m surprised I can find time to string three words together on this blog.
Infertility: I hesitated to post about it because I don’t want to be all “poor me.” And I was a little afraid of the reactions. But you guys came through for me. I shouldn’t have been afraid. I’m okay, by the way. We’ll figure it out.